Thursday, February 23, 2006

Blots on the landscape?

You don’t notice them until they’re gone.

Them? US.

Who’s ‘us’? We. The un-battered ones. The insensitive ones. The never-TALK-to-me-anymore ones. Sounds familiar?

Husbands.

I have this pet theory. (Yes, how very surprising, a real THEORY? Well, not quite a theory, more of an analogy. Now listen up)

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Across the main road from where I grew up (down a narrow brick-walled lane that opened into a sudden garden with rose-bushes and bougainvillea, in a little square house with a wrought-iron-railinged verandah - three steps led up to it - a house with polished red cement floors and thick cool walls that smelt of damp, and two glass-fronted cupboards full of books, I remember my favourite was one about Davy Crockett and I read it every time I visited) there lived a cousin of my grandfather’s. She doted on me. (I was very dote-able in those days, all chubby cheeks and big grin.) She also doted on her cats. I hated the creatures, right from the time I was playing hide-and-seek behind her wicker-backed sofa and landed splat in a puddle of cat poop. My great-aunt was a trifle apologetic (just a trifle, mind you) but was really more concerned about the possibility of Mr. Poop-wherever having an upset stomach.

Yes, well, whatever.

Given that there were about 3 million and 24 thousand cats all over that house, I had ample opportunity to observe them. Only for brief periods, of course, I had to step outside every few seconds. To breathe. Have you ever been in an old house with a surging sea of cats? (In hindsight, there may actually have been only 4 cats, but I was 5 years old and couldn’t count too well).

So I observed these cats. They owned the damn place, my great-aunt and her family lived there on sufferance. And of course, they also had absolute rights over all chattels and appurtenances. I swear I’ve seen my great-uncle sense a dowager-like glare right through 12 pages of newspaper, look over his half-moon glasses to find Cat # 2,345,673 staring at him in icy disapproval, sigh resignedly and heave himself to his feet (newspaper and all) just so that damned cat could curl up in his favourite chair.

And a nice chair it was, too. Old “Burma teak”, wide enough for Adnan Sami, big carved lion’s-paw feet and a lotus on the end of each arm. The lotuses were badly carved; for many years I thought each one looked like a cow’s anus. (Well, seriously, how was I to know? I grew up with a khataaltabela, urban dairy, call it what you will - taking up half our yard and thanks to the neighbourhood ladies turning up to collect loads of a certain bovine by-product, I knew what a cow’s rear end looked like.) Anyway, it was this nice chair that I would have loved to loll in if it hadn’t been full of cat hairs.

And this cat, this particular smoky grey cat with white socks, treated it like dirt. She’d claw on the legs, she’d rip up the cushions, she’d pee on the seat, on that lovely wide deep soft-cushioned seat that was large enough to accommodate two small children playing at airplanes. She’d rub herself against the wicker back and then jump back and look at it as if it was leprous. Then she’d sniff disdainfully and stalk off, her entire attitude saying “I don’t know WHY I waste my time on trying to improve that thing, it’s not as if my efforts are appreciated anyway”. Weirdly enough, for all that she pretended to look down upon that chair, she didn’t let any of the other cats lounge in it. When a cat with definite opinions does not like what you or another cat is doing, you know. There is no scope for misinterpretation, not unless you have an economy pack of iodine at hand.

Then one week the chair was packed off to the little garage next door to get the wicker back re-done and the wood-work polished. And you should have seen how that cat moped. She went sidling round the house looking for that chair. She sat in the empty space where it usually stood and she yowled for it. She clawed at anybody who tried to walk into that space. She was totally blooming lost without that chair. I couldn’t for the life of me make out why she made such a fuss.

Now, with years of experience to help me work it out, I know what the problem was. You’ve figured it out too, haven’t you?

That cat thought she was married to that chair.


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12 comments:

Ph said...

Aww we love the idea of chubby cheeks being pampered by the neighborhood. We love the description of the cat. We especially love the analogy. But don't take my word for it. What do we know, we are philistines. Hmph.

vague said...

thats a very self made theory, what with childhood and all. but we are not complaining are we...
..and not to be picky o JAPji, but:
'posted by JAP @Thursday, etc'...?
:)

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Re:Dote-ability owed to chubby cheeks and big grin.

Have things changed? :D

Too soon for us to accept or refute the analogy though. We'll get back to you in oh, about...ten years?

Nice post, Mr. Prufrock.

The Marauder's Map said...

Brilliant, brilliant observation. Analogy is perfect. Now if only all the other chairs in the world understood this simple dissatisfaction of the cats.

I read somewhere that all women marry men thinking they'll change, but they don't, and all men marry women thinking they won't but they do etc. Trite, but true, what?

neha vish said...

What happens to all the chubby cheeks? They become Sad Old Bongs. :D

Harsh analogy old man. The way you potter about with your cane swishing - you're going to hit somebody!

panu said...

Reminded me of the numerous cats in my neighbour's place who always looked like they were letting those poor mortals stay...

Kele Panchu said...

This is an excellent piece of writing! I knew ‘WE’ had something to do with the cat story, but didn’t realize till I read the ‘punch line’. I hope you don’t get the real punch! :) Your observation will make Mr. Holmes hide his face into one of those ‘badly carved lotuses’.

BTW, my mother’s maternal uncle’s house was surprisingly similar to the one you described..with those chairs, red cement floor, and of course those annoying cats! I used to frequent there every weekend for weekly checkup (my mom’s uncle was a doctor) and yes, I hated those cats!

The Truth about Cats (and Dogs) said...

Haha! That so totally took me by surprise! An aside - just stumbled here perchance ambling my way through blogspace, and what do I know?? You are JAP AND you are a bong...should have guessed!

Inkblot said...

Did it ever occur to you that the cat may have been in love with the chair? Not quite the same thing eh?

hdpal said...

Dude - are we to conclude that if someone is being clawed and pee’ed on then that person is definitely married! I guess that’s why they call it “marital bliss”.

“Weirdly enough, for all that she pretended to look down upon that chair, she didn’t let any of the other cats lounge in it”. – Case closed; she was married to that chair.

Anonymous said...

Whats with the pee analogy?

yesbob said...

awesome !!