Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Devouring Faith

The western reaches of our country have been slightly damp over these last few weeks. This has earned the ire of our most popular Chief Minister who, as we all know (or should know), firmly believes in dry days. When reports last came in by messenger dolphin, he was busy being ignorant of an outpouring of popular sentiment that would set upon the South-Western Monsoon with burning tyres, Molotov cocktails and other assorted instruments of peaceful protest. The implementation of this non-plan has been slightly delayed while a group of concerned pseudo-intelligentsia search for a bakery in the clouds – bakeries being, as recent history has shown, the natural haunts of that virulently anti-national species, the pseudo-secularist.

Our Man of the Moment is not, however, idle during this waiting period. We are informed that he has served an ultimatum to the Govt. of India with regard to the structure hitherto known as the Taj Mahal. They are to publish the real history of the edifice and make known to the world at large that it was originally the tomb of Samudragupta (a seafarer and explorer of true India, known in his day for the discovery of the Black Sea which he named Kala Pani. When this water-body later migrated to the immediate west of the Indian sub-continent, probably due to a conspiracy among some anti-national forces, he was among the first to call for its excommunication from the Hindu pantheon). The structure will thereafter be known as Samudra Samsara Samadhi Samugam or ssss, an onomatoepic approximation of what the popular Chief Minister would like to do Bipan Chandra. Alternatively, the Govt. must allow it to be torn brick from brick by a group of altruistic volunteers who will not accept even their train fare from places as remote as Azamgarh, Balliya and Rae Bareilly.

While He has given the Govt. reasonable time to choose either of these eminently reasonable options, they must in any case immediately start painting it saffron.

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In Delhi, meanwhile, the Bearded One has convened an emergency meeting of the National Security Council to debate the demand of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This sect has garnered adherents worldwide over the last two years and now demand for their Godhead runway space on Rajpath when S/He comes in to land on 1st April. In a reasoned letter to the Prime Minister, they have pointed out that this is hardly an unreasonable request considering the fact that “a certain minority” are allowed to pray on public thoroughfares throughout the country at least twice a year, as also to play their calls to prayer over loudspeakers at about twice the permitted decibel level. (The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster [or CFSM] is not at this point of time interested in other minutiae such as the right to marry several times [holding that the act is its own punishment] but are examining with interest the minority arrangements for divorce.)

The CSFM have informed the PMO that the landing arrangements are essential because on that date the Great FSM will reveal to true believers the nature of its landing gear, which may provide answers to theological mysteries like the Sex of the Great Monster and also Whether Meatballs are to be Soaked in Sauce or Added Dry. In the event that the Indian Government does not grant this reasonable request, they state, they fear that their God may release 570 billion gallons of meat sauce on South Block and also emit an enormous low-frequency sound while overflying Delhi. (The closest approximation of this sound in human experience is the Honourable Speaker calling for order on a Bad Day in Parliament. Multiplied to divine levels, it is likely to cause severe structural damage).

The meeting of the NSC will be held as soon as the PMO kitchen staff have perfected a working model of the Flying Spaghetti Monster complete with landing gear. This may take a few weeks as Many Bunker Fryer has opined that vegetarians cannot analyse this threat through soya-bean mock-ups and the post of Director NSA must henceforth be reserved for Punjabis or Nagas. Toilyo Byanjan Gas Banshee and Probe Bookerjee have thereafter filed a joint PIL alleging discrimination against fish-eating ethnic groups.

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Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha. Almost cried there, must be the sarcastic humour. Coz we aren't in hell yet, or are we?

Anonymous said...

Finally, our esteemed govt. sits up and pays some long overdue attention to my faith. ;-)

May the FSM touch bless everyone with his noodly appendage.

Progga said...

[shaking head] what?!!!
loved the bit about painting the monument saffron.

Cyberswami said...


did you know that the red fort in delhi was once painted a shade of maroon, during indira gandhi's time? even before she had a chance to do something about it, it rained, and in a couple of days the fort was washed clean. hooray for inefficiences, especially where you want them to be.

thalassa_mikra said...

Cyberswami, now I'm curious - why maroon? Was it Mrs. G's favourite colour?

Gamesmaster G9 said...

A bad pun is asking to be made about "marooning", but I shall sidestep.

Brilliant post, also.

Vivek Kumar said...

"they fear that their God may release 570 billion gallons of meat sauce on South Block"


Good thing I would be out of that place by then :)

Rimi said...

I thought perhaps if I only said how fascinatingly brilliant this post is (just look at them names!) and left no equally brilliant comment thereon, I would perhaps be the sole opinion-less moron floundering in a sea of arguments and counter a's.

But the numbers seem to be in my favour. Therefore, Uncle J, brilliant post. And that is all for today.

neha vish said...

I declare war on you - Fish Eater!

km said...

It's the Dawning of the Age of Pisces!

And "Gas Banshees" would be a great name for a band.

Anonymous said...

I did not quite understand the monster allusion. Could someone explain the lampooning to me? Am not familiar with Indian politics

Cyberswami said...

apparently the paint job was against mrs g's wishes. she swiftly ordered that the paint be removed, and the rains did it for her in less than three days.

i think the idea would have come from, and borne fruit through, some department or the other. lots of money was siphoned as well, because they used water soluble paint.

Perhaps Mr JAP might know the details better?

Chilla-Bong said...


J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Yes, ummm, well, thanks a ton for your appreciation, ladies and gentles.

(My new resolution to respond to comments can be SUCH a pain. Especially when I fall behind)