Epiphany

Shorts, tee and towel. Sweat from every pore (do NOT ask). My stomach roils, my head hurts. And I've realised Terry Pratchett's contribution to natural science and taxonomy.

I am a Troll.

Look it up. Terry says trolls' brains don't work too well at high or even normal temperatures. But send them to Alaska in mid-winter (or the Rimtops, as the case may be) and they start to sparkle and fizz. Is it a coincidence that I've been reading Colin Thubron's In Siberia?

And a pox on the friendly souls who make wisecracks about not being able to tell the difference.

The pied crested cuckoo

I saw the fan-shaped cloud around half past 2 yesterday. A shadow of hope, up there in the vault of a blazing sky. So I asked the ‘gunman’ (because he was nearest, see?), ‘Looks like there’s a chance of rain, eh?”

To which his considered answer (after first clutching his gun tighter, in case the cloud was a security threat) was ‘That’s a cloud’.

Quite. Very helpful, with the temperature up in the mid-40s (that’s Celsius, Mr. Y Doodle) and the furnace breeze lifting lazy clouds of dust from the roadside. I was out from 7 in the morning to beat the heat. Fat chance. The sun was a hammer well before 9 o’clock, regardless of shades and hat and wet towel and regular sipping of water,. By the time I got back at 4 in the afternoon the back of my neck was throbbing and my skin felt like it had been toasted.

But that was yesterday. When I woke at a quarter to 6 this morning, the room was unusually dark. I ran (well, almost. Cut me some slack here) outside. Oh blessed day! Clouds from one side of the horizon to the other, shades of grey, birds quieter in the trees, that little hush that comes before it pelts down, and faint upon the air the smell of wet earth.

And the added pleasure of being proven right on my prediction yesterday, of knowing Things About Weather even though I'm a city slicker.

But only a faint drizzle so far, the kind that barely darkens the earth and leaves an inverted shadow of the trees upon the ground below where the diffident raindrops cannot reach. Bring it on, Rain Dude! Don’t give us a teaser and a no-show! Come ON!

Update: 24 hours later, it STILL hasn't rained. Haven't these guys heard of Truth in Advertising?

* The pied crested cuckoo is known in North India as the 'chaatak', which, according to Indian myth, sits with its mouth open waiting for rain to alke its thirst. Silly twit, but then, it IS a cuckoo. Me, I've discovered Red Bull with watermelon juice. And a spot of Old Monk.

Koshchens arise

The Vada man, on chat, just raised a point that seriously worries me. Name the hottest babe in your service, sez he.

I was thrown. The most pacifist employee in Blackwater? Britney Spears’ great fashion ideas? Fernando Alonso's sporting gestures? Paris Hilton’s intellectual pursuits? As oxymorons go, this one is right up there. I can think of some men in my fraternity who are kind of cool and (presumably) hot, but women?

The Lack of Babes in IITs and IIMs is well documented, much bemoaned. (Only by males, of course. I’m sure the girls are OK with their position on the demand curve.) So add one more drought area – any given services training institute. I can only imagine the trauma of a guy who’s been through IIT, IIM and is then misguided enough to join the civil services. Halloo? Where’s the wimmin, mossyoo?

They’d probably have more chance of getting some in a seminary. Not to mention better cuisine. Good thing I made up my mind back in First Year.

So question to my SAO-15 (yes, the Vada also directed me to Joel Achenbach) – can any of you think of any career civil servant who is also (a) identifiably female and (b) hot? (Magsaysay Awards do not register on the hottie scale). Names not essential (though welcome – try e-mail!), just affirmations.

Enlighten me.

Important point - I have just been told that lady cops (or Customs officers, for that matter) have an unfair advantage, since some men will find even Condi Rice hot if she wears a tight uniform. So when nominating, please consider whether the lady in question would be hot without her uniform.

Umm ... no no, not THAT way. Oh bggrrttt, you know what I mean.